...and I am absolutely devastated to say that break is over. A test to study for, time to create, people to say goodbye to. However, I have a lot more important things to do than bitch about it.
Man, V8 Splash is good! No one recognizes good shit anymore, but no, really. I have a lot I want/need to say and I have to crack it out in a decent way and in a decent amount of time right now. I don't want to spend a long time cracking this out and lose time that I barely have right now.
As it's obvious, I do get my mood/emotional issues, and when I get really upset, I throw an incredibly awful episode. You know it happens with everyone, but, for me usually doesn't go past a certain point, but when it does, it begins to become ridiculous and go completely off base. I go threateningly off course. It stops making sense,  and it starts tying other loose thoughts into the picture. It blows everything entirely out of proportion and makes me look psychotic. I could solemnly swear to you that I am mentally stable, though some would really beg to differ.
I am not batshit insane. I am not some batshit emo fuckhead.
However, I hate getting like that, and I also hate taking it out on other people.
I also hate even talking about in the first place, because I know that in a few hours I'm going to forget what ever happened to start it and forget why I wasted my time feeling bad about it. My memory is in fact, very great at what it does, but not even my memory understands why I get the way. My memory begins to boycott working because it really doesn't want to deal with the episode again, which I humbly understand in the entirety of it all.
However, my brain is one thing. I don't have to justify what I do to myself, because I unconditionally am forced to accept it and let go.
...but the people who get mixed up in my problems?
No, they deserve a lot more than that.
If you have the nerve to stick beside me after dealing with my shit, the fucking idiotic nerve to fucking still care after I fucking go apeshit on you and get you involved in my countless cases of bullshit... the fucking completely retarded fucking nerve.
You deserve a lot better than that, and it's not like I'm trying to ruin things for you, or give you my problems on a silver platter. It just happens, and as much as I know in the moment that it happens that I should not take it out on you and I should not let it affect you, I do. I force it on you, push it at you, and expect you to make it all better and not think twice on it. That is not what happens, and I know that is not how it is. That's not how the world works.
I do not expect you to stick around and deal with me, and I encourage you running away as fast as you can when we get there. It isn't intentionally of me to do this, it really isn't. I don't particularly enjoy bitching to people, let alone being an utter buzzkill for their life and ruining their fun and their happiness and anything they do have.
My problems are my problems, and you deserve a lot more than an apology for what I did to you and how I treated you. I act ridiculous in the situation itself and I should contain it from continuing that course, above all when other people are unfortunate enough to be forced into it. It is not my life goal or my desire to make anything worse for you, let alone chase you away from me. I do apologize, really. I do. I am sorry. I don't mean to do the things that I do.

That is just in general, however.
I need to direct specifically to Michael.
He put up with me in probably the most batshit incident I've had in several years.
Everything I forced on him was this misconstrued bullshit derivative from some completely different affair, or even an assumption based on thin air.
Either way, he dealt with it for a long while, god forbid he's so fucking stupid, why the hell would you put up with that...
and he took care of me. Through the entire thing.
I don't even know what to say. As much as it confuses me as to why he would waste his time, which he really should not have, .....errugh.
He deserves more than an apology, more than a "Thank you."
Truly, he deserves a good slap across the face to get a grip and realize that he should run away from batshit people and their apeshit freak outs...
...but in reality.
Michael.
You deserve better than I can give you, better than I have given you.
I never give you the right recognition you deserve for how you treat me; which you treat me right, you treat me a lot better than "right."
You always try to make me happy and you put up with everything I throw at you, and I treat you like shit, and I never say thank you, or apologize enough for what you do. You try very hard to support me and take care of me. You'd rather take care of me than take care of yourself and I will never understand why you would sacrifice so much the way you do in general, let alone when you get treated like dirt in return. I never express appreciation, let alone remorse for what I do. I take advantage of who you are and all the good that is in you. I'm awful at expressing gratitude, but I have no problem tearing you apart over any little trivial thing. I look at the bad more than I look at the good, and that is where I screw up more when it comes to you. I keep expecting horrible, but the only things I get from you are nothing less than the opposite. I'm not going to say that I trust you or that I think everything about you is amazing and everything I'm looking for, but I love who you are and I love that you take care of me, and I love you. I'm sorry that I treat you the way I do, and I mean it when I say that I want to do better for you. You just do not deserve to be hurt, not right now, not for what you're doing, you aren't doing anything wrong and you don't deserve to be punished for being awesome.
Counter-productive, and nothing short of it.



[[...man, how many different uses for "shit" are there!?!]]