I'm really fucking butthurt over Travis.
Damn I miss that boy.
I'm also topping it off with a song that makes me feel +10 butthurt.
I don't even have the years of chat logs to look back on anymore due to my computer crashing.
I do have one, though, but it's just not the fucking same.
I don't have anything other than the shit I put in my livejournal a long time ago.

I don't really understand how I still find myself attached, and I don't know what's triggering it lately.
We haven't even had a legitimate conversation in nine months, yet I still find myself wriggling around wanting to have the friendship with him that I had. He made me happy, and there was a point where he did care about me, and it wasn't just me messaging him, and we weren't fighting all the time. I miss those days.
There's so much that I hate about him, but, goddamn I love the hell out of that guy and I always fucking will.

I miss him.
I know I'm better off without, but
I fucking miss him.

Oh, yeah, I found this going back through my old entries:
"Travis is first and foremost. I worry about leaving a lot when it comes to him; because I know what happened last year. We drifted apart a lot because of the lack of talking. At the same time, however, I feel maybe the distance might be able to point me in a little better direction. If I can learn to let go, it'll make things easier in our friendship. I don't have my hopes up, however, I know for a fact I will not deny the opportunity to speak to him, and I also know that I've been having education type things the last several years I've felt this way for him. I have extremely little faith in getting over him; infact, I miss him right now. I've been trying not to message him, and it's taking a toll on me already. I have to keep intact with him as long as possible; because it would hurt if it was anything but. I'm aware he means the world to me these days; he really does, even with all our problems (mostly from my side, of course) he still has such a strong influence on my life; and that is never going to go away. No matter what distance comes in the middle, he's not "disappearing" from me. He's stuck with me. He is like my Vandesdelca while I'm (a poor rendition of) Legretta. (yay TotA reference.) I will miss him far too much. I feel this devout loyalty to him, and a loyalty to how I feel about him. HE IS the only one. I've felt far too much for far too long and I have never been so sincere about something in my life. He is the ONE thing I am sincere about. With all those other people; it's fucking around, it's absolutely nothing, but with him, it isn't. He hates my faults and hates my positives. He's completely lost and off track when it comes to understanding me; and this is mirrored with me as well. He's seen me in all sorts of ridiculous mood swings, irrational thoughts, dumb mistakes, pathetic actions, and ignorant, hypocritical mistakes as well. If I was just different in all sense of the word; he'd like me better. I strive to be different enough so he can accept me; I change for his sake, and that is something I am least proud of, but I accept the truth of it. It is how it is; I know he will never like me or enjoy my company, just as he will never understand how I feel about him and he will never understand who I am in the slightest ounce. I'm jealous of anyone who has him at all. I desire that closeness with him."


INSERT RAGE FACE.

UGH.
MORE COPY PASTE.

Travis:" Mariah, in all the time we've known each other... when have we ever got along? Our relationship started with fighting. And it hasn't changed. The only thing that changed was me restraining myself for your sake. But apparently you don't like that. Hell, maybe we could have even got along if you put in an effort too. Instead, all I get from you day after day are cutting remarks and sarcasm. I don't know if it's just your nature or you're just bad at being socially civil. Am I being open enough for you ye

That still fucking hurt me.

·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
imo he acts like a child, and personally I don't think that you need to change the way you talk. =/
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
especially not for someone who ABUSES you.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
I need to consider how I speak, and I have to construct what I say to actually mean what I'm thinking, instead of saying something completely off track.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
and he doesn't abuse me, he gears me in the right direction.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
You call this "the right direction"?
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
You hate yourself.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
And you'd hate yourself a little less if you weren't trying to live up to impossible and unrealistic expectations as Travis' "perfect woman".
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
I'll always hate myself.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
Regardless of what he makes me feel.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
he's taken away all your power
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
and I fucking hate it.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
I never had power.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
He hasn't taken anything away from me, really.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
well, sure, if pride isn't worth anything.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
Pride?
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
Yeah, you know. That feeling when your entire existence wasn't tied to how good or bad Travis' mood was.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
It isn't tied to Travis like that at all
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
Travis doesn't run my life.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
if you're trying to change yourself for anyone but you, then he is.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
I'm changing myself for me, him, and the other people I care about.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
I mean, I'm far from proud of how I am sometimes, and he points out my flaws, when I knew they were there, but I just didn't change them.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
and it's better in the long run, for everyone.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
personally I don't see what you're talking about.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
but what do I know, Travis is smarter than me, after all, maybe he can see something I can't.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
cause I definitely don't see what he's talking about.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
He just has a different perspective.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
He only sees what he WANTS to see in you.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
He sees what he thinks would be best for me.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
Really? Did he think it was for "your own good" when he PURPOSELY made you cry the other day?
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
He knew it would make you cry.
·!¦[· Holly ·]¦!· oO,  ,Oo says:
and he still said it.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
I ASKED him to say it, he wasn't going to be honest with me, and I wanted him to, I ASKED to be upset.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
I need his honesty, not lies from him.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
Getting hurt by lies is pointless.
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα  すごい says:
Getting hurt by honesty is growth.

the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
hello
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
hi
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
are you currently in the mood to show vagoo on cam?
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
what
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
no wtf
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
k
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
dont get defensive
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
i was j/w
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
ash
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
why are you such a fag
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
j/w
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
the fuck how u know my name
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
LOL
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
its not funny
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
who the fuck are you
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
hi i'm mariah
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
which is obvious
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
hi ash
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
sup
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
OH
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
i've known you for like a year
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
WAIT
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
sup ash
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
UR MARIAH
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
HI SUP
양주석 Мαŗіąђ ● Яєіlα すごい says:
lolwat
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
i feel like a douchebag now
the-bloody-legion@hotmail.com says:
kk lets restart this convo

Subject: RE: Be My Valentine
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:17:23 +0000

From 2004? Really, get a life Michael. This is the last time I'm telling you to fuck off and stop contacting me. Just because you're obsessed and stuck in 2004 with your fantasies; don't be expecting the same from me or anyone else. It's your own fault your lonely and that emails and text on a screen are all you have left from many of your relationships - friendly or otherwise. No one needs you. You, on the other hand, aren't so lucky. Have fun with your addiction by yourself. I'm happy; it's not my fault you can't live with yourself and the conditions you ended up with.

Again, don't contact me anymore because I have nothing else to say. I know what you are, and I'm not impressed by your antics.
And you are removed from my msn list, so don't get your hopes up with contacting me there. We've all moved on, deal with it. There are no more chances for people like you.
The reason you like it is because you're a pedophile, rapist and molester. Congratulations. No one's surprised anymore. Go find some other poor, naive girl to prey off of on the internet because I'm not interested.
-Amanda


OH, WELL, SINCE WE'RE BRING UP STUFF FROM A LONG TIME AGO.
LOL, HOW ABOUT THIS CONVERSATION THAT I RE-READ OUT OF ABSOLUTE BOREDOM?

Nooo fucking kidding.

I just re-lul'd.

How was that relevant at all? Holly and I were friends before, during, and after you. Seeing you made up Holly's concern for you, IE Holly telling you to break up with me instead of vice versa, it's completely irrelevant.

lol orly? rly. rly now.

IRRELEVANT. BROKE UP B4HTUM@. "before holly told you my age."lul'd again.
Can I just say I love every word that comes out of this girl's fingertips?

As if Sam and Nick would know anything about Holly's history.

I fail to see how that makes her two-faced. If she didn't tell you, wouldn't that be like her being two-faced as well? I fail to see where she had a choice in being two-faced or not, besides, we were already broken up so it was entirely irrelevant.
luuuulz'd.

HAVEN'T CUT FOR OVER FOUR MONTHS. How the balls can you say I still cut when you even said then that you don't talk to me?

1. Broke up before he knew my age.
2. OH YES, BECAUSE YOU KNOW ME SO WELL YOU KNEW I WAS FIFTEEN THE DAY WE STARTED TALKING. LOL. Don't even pretend to know me, stupid fucking cunt.
Yeah, it was ttly a coincidence that I cut when you started being an asshole to me.

Holly had nothing to do with it.~ Get your time line straight~

I'd personally like to tango or mediate with Amanda, imo.

OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP CIRCLED AROUND THE FACT THAT I DO NOT TRUST YOU. LOL. Wtf makes you think I'd trust you more than Holly who's been my best friend for two fucking years? Holy balls.

Cannot emphasize enough that this timeline is completely false. Dumped before age was known.

According to you, you broke up with Aimee in July 2008 to start dating Tara. PRETTY MUCH LYING OR NOT GETTING YOUR STORY STRAIGHT. IE: your own lj. Shows how much you pay attention to your own life.

I love how every conversation that passes you go up a year in your university.

Amanda .12.x.o6. [Abby - o2|14|o8 11 am , Coco - o1|24|o9 11:15 am Rip] says (4:14 AM):
Whatever Michael.  I'm not playing this game with you.

AGREE.

because the existing word of "br0zurs" in the English language fully dictates that it means something more significant than friends.

story immediately changes in a split second.

Yeah, because that's going to patch anything up.




OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH
WHO LIVES IN A FALSELAND ABOVE THE SEA
MICH-AEL- PAUL-EY
WHO'S NOT ABSORBENT AND DUMB AND FULL OF BULL-SHEEET
MICH-AEL- PAUL-EY
can't be arsed to do the rest of the song.

French Toast.
[Har har.]

THE FACT THAT SKINNY PEOPLE CAN EAT WHATEVER THEY WANT AND GAIN NOTHING, YET IF I HAD A DOUGHNUT I'D GAIN TWENTY POUNDS.

fuck skinny people.
you dicks don't fucking know anything.

Re-reading what I already confirms this:
we are not wrong.
Not now, not then.
Not with this person or that person.
Sure, we have all the capabilities to be incorrect.
but were we have stood has been nothing but thorough and resolute.
I stand by that.

I have a stomach ache.
I didn't get enough sleep.
I'm tired.
My mattress isn't very comfortable.
I wish my dogs would stop barking.
My eyes leak frequently.

My bones feel funny and not so happy.
How about you?
Ow, actually.
Not a comfortable feeling.

Mailed Holly's letter today, I think? I MEAN, PRETTY SURE LEAVING A MARKED LETTER DIRECTLY ON THE LONG TABLE AFTER TELLING THEM I NEED TO MAIL SOMETHING IS OBVIOUS WHEN YOU PUT OBVIOUS AND OBVIOUS TOGETHER.
Anything I can do to take care of my bubbu. ;~;

Maybe I should send him an e-mail.
I have this issue with not getting back to people.
I feel bad now.

My heart is pulsating.
Ugh.
What is the deal?

I just psyched myself out by creating something in my head that didn't fucking happen.

You know, since Holly introduced me to Ari... it's got me thinking about Travis again. I've accepted the fact that I will always care about him regardless of our friendship or lack thereof. It's just drilled into my head how sick I feel when I think about him. I miss him, why, I don't know. I've spent the last five years since I've met him striving for this goal of being accepted by him. He was always so high and mighty, and he still has a superiority complex. The difference is ... two years ago, exactly two years ago to be honest, I actually had the experience of being good friends with him. I actually had the opportunity to know what it felt like to be accepted by him. It was short lived, but goddamn, the one thing I wanted I had actually obtained and it was just ripped right out from below my fucking feet by my own bullshit. Our first fight on good terms made me feel like absolute shit. I didn't trust him, in fact, I even lied to him and gave him a bullshit response to the question in ... ....question. He was associating with someone I hated, and he wanted to know what my reasons were and what happened, but I couldn't tell him. I didn't want to talk about it, and at this point I hardly even remember, but I know it wasn't something I wanted to share with anyone, period. Can't you just hate someone anymore without being badgered for justification? Anyway, we ended up taking snaps at each other, me taking the most snaps per usual, and it was our first fight. Of course, I felt like crap for the next day, but Travis was all "hey it's ok" in that heartful textual swagger he has. It didn't stay like that, at all, of course. Anyway, anyway, this isn't what I'm typing about.

I was just thinking in my head what I would want to say to him if we had an argument today, right now. Of course, when I was thinking in my head the words, it sounded brilliant, and at this point I basically had a two minute breakdown and had my concentration broken completely onto the topic of controlling my breathing. Ugh, I need to remember...  I can't remember exactly but it was something like: "I'm not inferior to you just because your head is stuck so far up the ass of your high horse that you can't even fathom the idea of you making mistakes and having flaws like every other person. You're so obsessed with this idea of you being superior and smarter than everyone out of fear that all it does is make you into an asshole. You're so afraid of acknowledging that you have flaws like other people as if you acknowledging your imperfections means that you're worthless and have no power or meaning in the world. Everyone can see through your pseudo modesty and know that you're addicted to being perfect and only associating with people you believe to be your equals and your superiors. You fail to realize that no matter how many people you treat poorly, you aren't going to feel better about yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, and you can't even accept your own most trivial flaws. You claim that you acknowledge them, but if you actually did, you wouldn't be able to act the same exact way for years without a slight change. All you do is try your hardest to make everyone around you feel inferior and not good enough because you believe that you're so much smarter and so much better than all of us. It's just a damn shame that the only people you give a fuck enough about to send a goddamn message to are the people who, in the long run, are as far from you as they are for a reason. If I acted the exact same way as one of those few people that you see as your equals, you would claim that I act immature, retarded, and like a complete and total idiot. You're so hypocritical and close minded it makes me afraid to even pretend that I'm completely unaffected. I try so hard not to speak up and say the truth because I know that you won't like me if I disagree with you, and it hurts me so much to know that I disappointed you and let you down because of my care for you as a friend. But at what point does my want to not disappoint you begin to disappoint myself? I can't live my life without having a constant voice in the back of my head that reminds me that if I screw up, you'll think less of me as a person. I can't be me because who I am isn't worthy of your attention with all of your ridiculously high standards and requirements to who you actually acknowledge as people. It sucks that you are so afraid to admit that you screw up like every other person that you would base your entire life around perfection. I'm sorry that I won't be smart enough for you to acknowledge as a person, and no matter how much I care about you, there is nothing in my head or in my heart that can forget how awful I have felt because of how inferior you've made me feel. You are not better than me just because you are talented in things that I am not talented in, and you are not better than me because you are older than I am, and you are not better than me because I make a lot of mistakes. It's one thing to not accept your flaws, but the fact that you can ignore them and genuinely believe that they do not exist only insults every single one of us 'inferiors' that fucking bit more."

Ugh.
It just sucks to know that at one point, I was worthy of being on his good side, and it was possible for me to have had that opportunity. Now I'm fucking stuck in the position where, since I had it, I'm naive enough to think the possibility could still be there. I miss how it was, and I miss being able to say that I knew such a good person like him. I used to love bragging about how I was friends with him. It's another thing floating over my head that I want, but I can never reach. There was a point where it was possible for me to have a friendship with him, but through all of the fighting, there's no doubt in my mind that I can never make it up to him after all this time, and I could never in a million years be seen as "worthy" in his eyes.

I feel just that much more useless.
I miss him, I'm not going back to him because I know better, but
I definitely do miss him.
I think about him often, and I still feel hurt sometimes. It's improved a lot since a year ago, but I can never shake off the feeling of caring about him. I would do whatever I could to make his life better or make him happier because I believe deeply in my heart that he deserves good things because he really is a good person, and good people deserve good things.

I don't even  talk to him anymore and I still feel like I have to fucking tip toe on burning charcoal about him.
I just wish he'd change his attitude and his ridiculous standards.
How happy can you be living a life like his? Well, actually, I bet you could be really fucking happy.
but some of us just aren't buying it.
You cannot lie, cheat or pretend your way out of everything.
I hope some day he stops pretending that he isn't pretending.

I don't know why this was so significant in my head, but I'm exhausted and I need to drown down something and go to fucking sleep. I need my ten hour hibernation period.